My five year old favorite game is to arrest me and he does it about eighteen times a day. There are no formal charges. No explanation. Just, “You’re the bad guy. You’re going to jail.”

I sometimes ask what I did wrong.

He stares at me like the law is far too complex for civilians to understand.

Luckily, I am not just waiting around for my sentencing in my living room. I am at the Yule Ball. The Weird Sisters are playing. Ron is being dramatic. I commit to my jail performance because in my ears, because I am having a time of my life with my fellow wizards.

There are brief windows in my house. Tiny lulls in the chaos. That’s when I slide in one earbud like I’m passing secret documents across the ministry desk. Discovering the new graphic audio Harry Potter books has changed the emotional stakes of my day.

I first stumbled into graphic audiobooks on the Libby app while attempting to “read more.” I borrowed the most popular book at the time – The Fourth Wing. I did not realize at the time it was spicy. I have never been more grateful for headphones. My sudden, unexplained blushing, however, raised questions.

Graphic audio isn’t someone gently narrating. It’s thunder cracking through your kitchen. It’s dragons roaring while you are rinsing the dishes. It’s wings beating overhead so convincingly you nearly forget the facet running.

So when I found out the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling had finally been transformed into graphic audio. I was unwell in the best way.

Now I get scenes that never made it into the movies. I fist pump at jokes I already know. I silently squeal or loudly squeal depending on if any little ones are napping. I am a grown woman, emotionally overwhelmed by wizard politics.

Meanwhile, in real life, I am being arrested with no stated crime.

In my ears: The Triwizard Tournament.

In my house: a small tyrant with no appeals process.

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